Israel, you must be so embarrassed

Israel, things are not going well for you.

It’s been 67 years. You’ve tried everything. And we’re still here. It must be so frustrating.

And when I say “everything,” I really mean everything. You’ve tried denying us employment, housing, voting rights, mobility, and education. You’ve tried just flat-out killing us. You’ve even tried taking our precious falafel and hummus. And none of it is working. How irritating that must be.

Last week, you couldn’t even successfully arrest one of our children. A 12-year-old boy. With a broken arm. Because his sister and mom beat you up. Now, this is nothing to be particularly ashamed of. There are millions of men in all corners of the world who have been roughed up by Palestinian women. However, that usually happens in private. The whole world saw your thrashing. You must have been mortified.

You’re incessantly building settlements on my land, relentlessly expanding your wall and choking off my people. I guess that was supposed to annoy us enough to just up and leave. But it seems you haven’t learned your lesson. It’s going to take a lot more than that. Actually, there’s nothing you can really do. And you know it. It must be so infuriating.

For four months, you convened cabinet meetings, parliamentary sessions, and who knows what other secret get togethers, just to get one of my prisoners to eat. You have billions of American dollars, a nuclear arsenal (allegedly, of course), and hi-tech firms everywhere. And you couldn’t do it. You couldn’t get an Arab to enjoy a meal. Do you know how easy that usually is? That had to have been especially aggravating.

I don’t know what to tell you, other than… it’s probably time to give up. Frankly, you’re starting to look pathetic. Musicians are canceling concerts, companies are pulling out, and labor unions are rallying against you. If you’re not careful, the only friends you’ll have left are those guys who think Jesus is coming back to turn you all into Christians. By the way, according to them, if, when Jesus comes back, you don’t willingly decide to become Christians, he eternally damns you. That doesn’t sound like fun. Now, as a Palestinian from Nazareth myself, I really don’t think Jesus is that kind of guy. So, think about it. Who would you rather be buddies with? Them or me?

67 years ago, while he was forcibly expelling my grandmother, David Ben-Gurion said something like, “Don’t worry everyone, we’ll kick everyone out, and the old will die, and the young will forget.” Well, when I was in Palestine a couple weeks ago, some of the old ones were still walking around. I even heard some of them saying stuff like, “In 1948…” And guess what? The young ones haven’t forgotten either. We Palestinians are building museums to our history, holding festivals celebrating our culture, and writing annoying, sarcastic, pestering (but really funny) blogs.

It all must be so maddening.

So, move on. We’re not going anywhere. Get over it. Life will be so much less frustrating when you just accept reality. When you finally do, we will be your friends and shower you with affection. And that has a lot of advantages, with a really important one in particular. It feels much better when a Palestinian woman is beating you because she loves you. Trust me. Way better.